brendan halpin

One little-known consequence of the ongoing Government Shutdown is the fact that the US Funkalogical Survey does not currently have the ability to provide early housequake warnings.

“Without this crucial early warning system, Americans have no way of knowing if a housequake will break out in their home,” said William Collins of the Clinton Institute of Funkalogical Studies. “Americans need to stay vigilant. Things can get very funky very quickly.”

White House spokesbot Karoline Leavitt responded to questions about the Americans facing sudden and dangerously funky housequakes in predictable fashion. “The President has never been in a house where things got funky. Housequakes are fake news.”

Asked for comment, Camille, director of the US Funkalogical Survey, sent the following: “Shut up, already. Damn.”