brendan halpin

Really excited to have booked such an important guest on the blog today! I sat down with the state of New Hampshire to try to get some insight into this frankly puzzling state. Our conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Brendan Halpin: Hi! Welcome! Thanks for taking the time to talk to me today.

New Hampshire: Happy to do it.

BH: So, I wouldn’t do this if you were a person, but given that you’re a state, I’d just like to say how stunningly beautiful you are.

NH: Aw, thank you!

BH: I mean it. The mountains, the lakes—I mean, look, all of northern New England is beautiful, but I really think you are the most beautiful state in New England.

NH: You flatter me!

BH: No, it’s true. So I guess your people must be really content, living among such natural beauty. I’d have to imagine it has a calming effect on body and mind!

NH: HA! You might think that. But no. And, I mean, sure, some people are like that. But I’ve got a LOT of angry white people. Like, a lot.

BH: I see. And what are they angry about?

NH: Freedom.

BH: Um. Can you elaborate a little bit?

NH: Sure. My people have freedom! Freedom to own a lot of guns! Freedom from income tax and sales tax! Freedom from having to wear helmets when they ride motorcycles! Live Free or Die, you know?

BH: That last one sounds kind of like Live free and die, but okay. But, again, if these freedoms are so great, why aren’t they making your people happier?

NH: Because freedom is always under attack. Freedom isn’t free!

BH: No, indeed, I looked at the numbers, and it seems like a lot of your money actually comes from the federal government. So I guess everyone else is kind of subsidizing your freedom.

NH: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Sounds like socialism to me. We don’t like that kind of thing. Freedom!

BH: I got it. But, so, who, exactly, is trying to encroach on your freedom?

NH: Massholes, mostly. No offense.

BH: Some taken, but not that much. What are the people of Massachusetts doing to try to take away your freedoms?

NH: They come up here all the time! Skiing and snowmobiling in the winter, boating and hiking and swimming in the summer…

BH: You mentioned snowmobiling. Are you mad because people from Massachusetts despoil your natural beauty with gasoline powered vehicles like snowmobiles, power boats, and jet skis? Because I can see how that would enrage—

NH: No, we do that stuff too. We LOVE some internal combustion engines here in the Granite State! Gasoline is freedom in liquid form!

BH: So, let me see if I understand this. People from Massachusetts come to New Hampshire and spend lots of money on rental homes, lift tickets, food, whatever. And that’s a bad thing.

NH: Right! They carry a contagion! The anti-freedom contagion! That’s why we like to say, “New Hampshire! Don’t Mass it up!” Get it?

BH: I get it. You want to avoid having things like world class health care.

NH: Taxes! And general anti-freedom attitudes! Like how you have to wear a helmet on a motorcycle! Where’s the freedom in that?

BH: Well, I suppose you could argue that helmet laws give everyone in the state the freedom to not have to pay to scrape your brains off the pavement.

NH: Sounds like socialism to me.

BH: Rrrrright. Well, you mentioned angry white people. Can you elaborate on that?

NH: Well, The minority population in New Hampshire has exploded in the last 30 years. We used to be 98% white, and now we’re only 88% white!

BH: And why is this a problem?

NH: (sighs) Freedom, buddy, okay? Everybody knows [5-minute racist rant deleted—ed.]

BH: So, to sum up—your people are angry because people from Massachusetts drive your entire tourism economy but at the price of bringing their anti-freedom ideas into your state. Some of which involve the idea that people of color are full human beings.

NH: That about covers it!

BH: Have you considered, I don’t know. Therapy? I can’t imagine living in a constant state of rage is good for you. I mean, you do have the second-lowest life expectancy in New England.

NH: Freedom! Also, in your face, Maine!