brendan halpin

You know how you start watching a show and you think you know what kind of show it is but then it turns out to be something different? I love that. But then also, you know when you’re watching a cool show and the ending ruins the whole thing for you? I hate that.

Both things happened with Nine Perfect Strangers, in which a bunch of people go to a wellness retreat run by Nicole Kidman doing a Karma Chameleon Russian accent. (it comes and goes!)

The cast is absolutely top notch, especially Melissa McCarthy, and I thought this was going to be about how these vulnerable people discover they’re trapped with a sinister cult leader, but then it started to be much more about them actually working out their issues. Michael Shannon, Asher Keddie, and Grace Van Patten (one of only 2 nepo babies in the cast, which is a pretty low number!) are all fantastic as a grieving family, and though I just roasted her for being a nepo baby, Grace Van Patten’s performance is the best of the three, really nailing grief without histrionics. Bobby Cannavale is addicted to painkillers, Melissa McCarthy has lost her mojo, Regina Hall hides violent rage beneath a ditzy persona, and Samara Weaving (nepo baby #2!) and Melvin Gregg are a young married couple whose problem is that they are just too rich and hot. No, actually.

I’m not a fan of Nicole Kidman, but I recognize that she’s a talented actor. She is, however, miscast in this. Because while she’s good at her craft, what she’s not good at is projecting warmth. So she’s this allegedly charismatic wellness guru who’s kind of ethereal and enigmatic, but not warm. She keeps the guests at the retreat in place even as it’s clear that something’s amiss, and I just never bought it because she just can’t stop playing aloof.

So there’s some satisfying stuff as everyone reveals their issues, and there’s an undercurrent of menace the whole time. What’s actually in those smoothies? What’s Nicole Kidman’s real agenda? When is it all going to go sideways?

All these questions are answered in pretty satisfying fashion, but then….hoo boy, that last episode. If you’re ever going to watch, bail now, because I’m gonna spoil the shit out of this thing.

And if you’re never going to watch, I’ll summarize. One of the staff is physically prevented from leaving but drives her truck through a fence to go get the cops because Nicole Kidman is giving the grieving family potentially dangerous doses of psychedelics so they can hallucinate their dead loved ones. Melissa McCarthy and Bobby Cannavale, who have struck up a really cute romance, honestly the show would have been better were it just about them, try to leave but find their cars missing. (Samara Weaving and Melvin Gregg try to leave too, presumably because they’ve realized their characters were given nothing interesting to do and probably shouldn’t have been in the show to begin with. A real waste of two talented actors.) Regina Hall is locked in her room because she’s had a couple of violent episodes, and, long story short, everybody but the grieving family winds up locked in a room convinced they’re going to die in a fire that has started outside.

Except there really was no fire! It was a fake near death experience that was a tremendous breakthrough for everyone! And the family and Nicole Kidman get to hallucinate their dead loved ones, which fixes their grief! The cops come but no one will say a bad word about Nicole Kidman, not even to criticize her terrible accent work, and so we get an epilogue in which everybody gets a happy ending. Melvin and Samara are now running the retreat, Melissa and Bobby are happy together, Michael, Asher and Grace…I don’t remember, but they’re fixed too, Regina has magically stopped being homicidal and is working as a therapist, and Nicole Kidman gets to drive in a convertible while hallucinating her dead kid on the seat next to her. (This is not played as weird or disturbing, even though it objectively is.) Oh yeah, and the reporter I forgot to mention earlier has realized he wants to be a dad and got back with the guy he broke up with.

So, a few things. I know a lot about grief. I have had serious losses in my life. And the idea that you can fix grief by hallucinating your dead loved one is just so profoundly dumb it’s actually offensive. So that pissed me off. I know a fair amount about mental illness and being fucked up too, and this falls into the dumb TV therapy trope of like, as soon as you can name your problem, it’s fixed. Lemme tellya, folks, that ain’t how it works. Naming your problem is like, the first step. It is entirely possible to have full rational understanding of why you’re acting or reacting in a bad way and not have that make a dent in your behavior.

Okay, but that’s just dumb. The next part is actually, I think, dangerous.

Everyone who goes on this retreat is spotting red flags left and right. Several actually try to leave. But despite the fact that they learn they’ve been dosed with psychedelics against their will, despite the weird sexual manipulation of the staff (also not credible because see lack of warmth above), despite the actually evil “ha ha we made you think you were about to die” prank, the show’s point of view seems to be “trust the process.” See? The creepy cult leader who abused you was right all along! She knew that her abuse was what you needed to have a better life!

In any kind of relationship—romantic, platonic, therapeutic, whatever—it’s important to pay attention to red flags. That little nagging feeling you have that something is off about this is right. Something is off. And the idea that you should shut off your own reason and intuition and ignore your feelings about a bad situation because someone tells you you’re wrong is dangerous. This how how atrocities happen.

This show was made after the first Trump administration. Weird time to make a show about how unquestioning obedience is the right path. Fortunately for the filmmakers and stars, this show has aged perfectly and is a showpiece of fascist entertainment. So I guess they won’t be on any enemies lists!